BOO!
by missemmatorchwood
Summary: Ever had a case of hiccups that refuses to go away?


There is nothing on Earth more annoying than a case of hiccups... unless its hiccups that will not go away!

**BOO! **

The normally oh-so-dignified Ianto had a truly annoying case of the hiccups. He couldn't remember having had them since he was a child but he'd had these since the wee hours of the morning when they'd woken him up – him and Jack. Jack had only been home for an hour – he'd been called out on a Weevil hunt – false alarm, luckily. Ianto had kissed him sweetly, whispered "go back to sleep" and left him curled up in bed to get some more rest, going out to the lounge to read the latest spy thriller he'd just purchased from the bookstore. The thought – the hope was that he'd get so engrossed in trying to figure out who-dun-it that he'd forget to hiccup.

It didn't work.

While they were getting ready for leave for the Hub, Jack was in the shower and Ianto was brushing his teeth, he almost drowned when he hiccupped at the wrong moment and sucked a mouthful of frothy toothpaste water down the wrong way. Hearing his lover choking, Jack popped out of the shower and started pounding on Ianto's back, trying to help the red-faced Welshman catch his breath.

Ianto hiccupped during the entire drive to work, he hiccupped loudly several while feeding Janet, which caused the Weevil to make a curious sound that Owen later said could only be described Weevil laughter. Some time back he had mounted a small camera up in the corner of the alien's cell so he could monitor her behaviour as part of his ongoing research project and he reviewed the footage each morning while he drank his first cup of coffee.

Trying to drink coffee with the hiccups proved to be quite the pickle, timing sips of hot liquid gold between noisy little spasms. Finally in frustration, Ianto had slammed his mug down on the kitchen counter, sloshing coffee on the spotless surface, and then he left without cleaning it up, stomping his way across the Hub and down to the Archives in a huff.

When he came up three hours later to get in the team's lunch orders he was still hiccupping.

As they waited for their food to be delivered to the Tourist Information Centre upstairs, ever helpful Gwen kept offering suggestions for bizarre and complicated cures she found on the internet. "I found this one website that says you should pinch your nose and hold your breath while gulping down a glass of water," she offered hopefully.

"First thing I tri… HIC… this morning," Ianto shook his head. "Didn't work… HIC."

"Okay, how about filling a glass with water and putting two straws in it. When you drink the water you have to make sure that one of the straws is pressing against the side of the glass and that you're using both two straws at once to gulp down as much water as possible."

"HIC… Why does one of the straws have… HIC… to be against the glass?" Ianto cocked his head. "What good does… HIC… that do?"

"Ummm…" Gwen quickly reread the article and then shook her head. "Doesn't say."

"I think I'll pass… HIC… I don't think we have any str… HIC… anyway."

"Really?" Gwen thought that was strange; Ianto usually had everything imaginable tucked away somewhere in the off-chance someone might need it. "Well, why don't you try sipping a teaspoon of spicy sauce like Tabasco or Sriracha? The heat of the sauce is supposed to distract you away from your hiccups by making you focus on the burning effect on your tongue."

Jack was standing on the landing outside his office, leaning on the railing, listening to Gwen and Ianto's conversation. "That sounds nasty, I wouldn't try it if I were you, Yan. Besides, you don't really like those hot chili sauces too much."

"HICCUP!" Ianto opened his mouth to agree but that was all that came out and very loudly and Jack laughed as the archivist's cheeks turned bright red.

Despite her best efforts not to, Tosh began giggling like a schoolgirl. "When I was a child I spent a lot of time in Japan with my grandmother and I remember whenever I got the hiccups she taught me that if you swallow a large amount of food at one time it stops them. She recommended sticky rice like she used for making sushi."

"Did it work for you?" Ianto was intrigued.

"The first time I used way too much and I choked and my grandfather picked me up and turned me upside and pounded on my back til I vomited."

For some reason the image of a upside down miniature Toshiko struck Owen as hysterically funny and within moments he'd fallen right off his chair and onto his arse he laughed so hard.

Embarrassed, Tosh retreated behind her computer monitors.

Ianto came over and touched her gently on the shoulder. "It's all right… HIC… Just ignore the gi… HIC… giant prat flopping about on the floor… HIC… I appreciate the sug… HIC… gestion."

She smiled gratefully before casting a baleful glance albeit a mild one at the medic. He never even noticed, he was busy wiping his eyes and up-righting his chair.

"You know, Owen, as our medic, you should be helping your team mate not acting like a total twat." Jack's tone was dry but he made his point.

"Yes, well…" Owen cleared his throat. "Medically speaking, a hiccup is an unintentional movement or spasm of the diaphragm, the muscle which is at the base of the lungs. The spasm is followed by quick closing of the vocal cords, which produces that distinctive sound." He spoke in a monotone as if reading from a textbook.

"Any suggestions on how to make them stop?"

"Yeah, I guess so…" Owen considered for a moment. "First, inhale as deeply as you can and then exhale as long and as hard as you can, try to get out as much air as possible. Next, suck in as much air as you can again and then hold your breath while putting your fingers in your ears to stop them up, creates pressure, and sticking out your tongue. Stay like that for as long as possible."

Jack, Ianto and Gwen looked at him with varying degrees of scepticism.

"Are you serious!?"

"Are you trying to… HIC… make me look like an id… HIC…idiot?"

"Now you're just being ridiculous!"

"I'm serious! I swear!" Owen held up his hand. "It'll stop your diaphragm from moving thus stopping the hiccups. Trust me, I'm the doctor here."

Dropping his shoulders in defeat, Ianto agreed. "HIC… I'll try anything at this… HIC point." Looking to Jack for reassurance, Ianto inhaled deeply, expanding his chest and belly as much as he could and then with a great WHOOSH he breathed out, forcing as much oxygen from lungs before sucking in air again. With a quick eyeroll, he put his fingers in his ears, stuck out his tongue and finally closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see anyone laughing at him.

True to form, Owen took one look at Torchwood's buttoned-down archivist standing there looking like a prat and it sent the man into great paroxysms of laughter. "I should… ha ha ha! Shoulda made him stand…" He slapped his desk. "On one foot too! HA HA HA HA…" Again he went over backwards in his chair and lay on the floor laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.

"Ianto?" Jack called out to his lover. "Yan…" he hid his own smirk and hurried down the stairs, stopping in front of the man just as Ianto began to sway dangerously from the lack of fresh oxygen to his system. He immediately reached up and pulled Ianto's fingers from his ears. "Stop, Yan!"

"Huh?" Blinking away his dizziness, Ianto looked at Jack.

"Stop," Jack shook his head. "Owen was having you on. Listen…" He jerked his head in the direction of the autopsy bay where the sounds of Owen still chuckling could be heard.

"Well I know someone who's… HIC… getting decaf and stale bis… HIC… biscuits for the foreseeable future. HICCUP!" He sighed with frustration. "And it didn't work!"

"There's still eating different foods," Gwen offered. "There's honey in a glass of water or a spoonful of sugar, says the sweetness tickles and irritates that Vegas nerve thing, or there's dry cocoa powder…"

"You mean like that internet challenge a while back?" Tosh interrupted. "I thought that was dangerous."

"It doesn't have to be the cocoa powder," Gwen ploughed on. "There's also sour foods like lemon or vinegar."

"That sounds disgusting… HIC."

"How about peanut butter? You have to chew which interrupts the spasms."

"That sound sticky…" Jack put in his two cents worth. "You might end up looking like one of those dogs with his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth."

"Speaking of mouths, you can massage the roof of your mouth with your tongue."

"Mine!" Jack's hand flew up in the air. "I claim it! I'll do that one for you, Yan!"

"HICCUP!"

Ianto went home early that afternoon, having hiccupped loudly into a UNIT general's ear – twice – and after being roundly chastised by the man for insolence, he was unable to even answer the phones and transfer the calls. The moment the phone rang his hiccups got worse. He'd tried to eat lunch, but even small bites were problematic and he ended up running to the men's room and sacrificing his sandwich to the porcelain god, as Owen so gleefully put it.

When Jack got home late that night – he'd had a conference call with that same UNIT general that ran far longer than expected – he found Ianto in the kitchen barefoot and wearing just his pants and leaning over the sink drinking water. He stood in the doorway for several moments admiring the sight of Ianto's long, lean legs, tracing their length from ankle to where they disappeared beneath white cotton Y-fronts. Finally, he went over and wrapped his arms around Ianto's waist.

"Doing any better, Yan?"

Ianto turned in his arms and shook his head miserably; even though his lips were tightly pursed, the sound of a hiccup was still audible. "I've spent the last five… HIC… hours on the computer – I started less than ten min… HIC… utes from getting here – I researched every corner of the HIC… internet and I tried every old wives' tale and HIC… myth and scientific finding regarding the cure… HIC… of hiccups that exists out there and none of them… HICCUP… have worked."

"Oh Yan, I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do."

"I tried breathing in and out… HIC… of a paper bag as fast as I could and nearly pass… HIC… passed out. I tried the cough-and-burp method… HIC… didn't work just made me sound like Owen. I… HIC… tried gargling with ice water but choked when one of the ice… HIC… cubes melted enough to go down my throat…" He stopped talking and looked closely at Jack.

"Are you laughing at me… HIC… Jack?"

"No, of course not!" Jack protested. "Well, okay just a bit but I'm really sorry."

"I even went so… HIC… far as holding my breath, pinching my… HIC… nose and spinning around in a counter-clockwise direc… HIC… direction while singing Mary Had a Little… HICCUP… bloody Lamb!"

This time Jack couldn't help himself, he started laughing. "Oh Ianto, why didn't you get that on video?"

Ianto rolled his eyes but in a moment he started chuckling too. "I guess I did look pretty… HIC… funny, but don't you ever, ever tell Owen! HICCUP!"

"You have my word, Ianto Jones, no one else will ever find out that you know the words to Mary Had a Little Lamb," Jack promised soberly.

"HICCUP! My throat hurts and chest aches… HIC…" There was a definite hint of tears in his voice and his fingers dug into Jack's arm. "I don't know what to do!"

"Try Gwen's peanut butter cure." Jack took the jar from the cupboard, a spoon from the drawer and set both on the counter next to him. "Maybe the sticking and the chewing really will distract you long enough for that nerve to relax." Jack then hugged him tightly, planted a kiss on his forehead and went into their bedroom to change his clothes.

Ianto looked at the jar, rolled his eyes with a deep sigh followed by a loud hiccup and opened it, but the scent of peanut butter made him gag and he slapped the lid back on as fast as he could.

After Jack had changed into a pair of soft sleep pants and an old T-shirt, he slipped down the hallway as quietly as the wool socks on his feet would allow and then jumped into the kitchen, shouting "BOO!" as loudly as he could, thinking he was going to scare the hiccups away the traditional way.

Ianto didn't flinch an inch, he just turned around and looked at Jack like he'd lost his mind before turning back to the sink and drinking more water, this time in tiny rapid sips.

Jack hmphed at him loudly and pouted saying, "Well, you can't say I didn't try…" and without warning, he struck Ianto sharply across the arse with his leather belt.

SNAP!

Ianto grabbed his burning butt cheek and whirled around in shock. "What the fuck, Jack!" he shouted.

Jack just grinned at him and smirked, "Well, I honestly didn't think yelling boo would work, and obviously it didn't, so I tried this."

"You might have warned me!" Ianto glowered at him, eyes full of fire as he massaged his butt.

"Then it wouldn't have been a surprise, would it?" Jack's grin widened lecherously as he watched Ianto's hand moving on his butt cheek.

"You can be such a bastard sometimes, you know that?"

"Yeah, I do, but you know what?"

Ianto's tone was sullen, "What?"

"It worked, didn't it?"

Taken aback for a moment, Ianto froze and waited in anxious silence. A minute passed then two, three, four, and finally five. He didn't hiccup once. Beaming, Ianto grabbed Jack in a tight hug. "You are the best! Thank you so much!"

"And you certainly enjoyed it," Jack murmured into his ear.

"Huh?" Ianto was enjoying the feeling of Jack's hot breath on his neck and he was waiting for him to either kiss him or lick the sensitive skin behind his ear.

Jack stepped back a bit and looked down at Ianto's crotch, where his pants were tented by a large erection.

Following his line of sight, Ianto blushed bright red and tried to get away but Jack held on to him.

"Hey, it's all right, Yan; don't be embarrassed just because you're turned on by a spank across your butt. It's a hot butt and to tell you the truth, I've often fantasied about spanking you," Jack confided.

"Really?" Ianto looked at him with bright eyes; Jack thought he detected a hint of hopeful intrigue there.

"Really." Jack confirmed. "Is that… do you think…?"

"Yes!"

"Yes, what?" Jack needed to be sure they wanted the same thing.

"Yes, I'd like to try it," Ianto blushed again, "I'd like you to spank me."

Gobsmacked by the look of pure trust in his young lover's eyes, Jack was overcome for a moment and he pulled Ianto him and kissed him tenderly at first and then passionately. It was several minutes before the lack of oxygen broke them apart and they headed down the hall to their bedroom, intent on discovering yet another aspect of their quite active and very interesting love life.

end


End file.
